Last night, for the first time, I became utterly frustrated by my inability to fall asleep. Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but a series of vicious cycles. I went to bed around 2 and had to wake up at 7:15 or so in order to go to my admin. final at 9. Of course I didn't fall asleep until 4 probably. I was too hot. I couldn't find a comfortable position. I almost started crying because I was so frustrated and I had to get up and take a stressful final exam, and I wanted to get as much sleep as possible.
Then, today, I took a nap and didn't get up until 5 hours later. So, once again, I probably will not be able to fall asleep tonight.
I have been watching all of Grey's Anatomy while studying, and I also recently finished watching the entire Gilmore Girls series. I have also watched all of Heroes, and continue to watch it even though I am losing interest.
Not last night, but maybe the night before, I laid awake thinking about all the little inconsistencies that appear when you watch a TV show from start to finish:
Grey's Anatomy:
Sometimes Dr. Burke was at the top of his class at Tulane, sometimes at John's Hopkins.
Where did Dr. Torres come from? She is apparently the same year as Dr. Bailey, but why is Dr. Bailey the only resident with interns, while all of the 5 original interns have interns in Season 4?
How did Dr. Torres become the ortho expert, when there doesn't appear to be an attending to teach her?
Why did the original interns get to do so much medical stuff and were always working with a particular attending, while now there are four times as many interns that never get to do anything?
I just don't understand why there weren't more residents when the original interns were still interns, but now they are all residents. Aren't there new interns every year? So why aren't there more residents of lower years than Dr. Bailey, Dr. Torres, and Sydney Heron?
And I don't even really want to talk about the Denny Duquette situation in Season 5. If that storyline doesn't end soon or get explained, I am not going to be a happy Grey's Anatomy fan.
Gilmore Girls:
This show only really proved to have one minor inconsistency that I noticed. At one point, Rory says that Logan was a freshman in college in 2002. That was when I graduated from high school, so I was also a freshman in college in 2002, which means that Logan is either the same age as me or one year older. But then Logan turns 25 in the show, which ended in 2007. I haven't turned 25 yet, and it is the end of 2008. So, Logan is presumably about 2 years older than me...which means he was not a freshman in 2002. It doesn't seem likely, given Logan's family, that he took a year off between high school and Yale.
Heroes:
This show actually would have less inconsistencies (especially since they explained how 9th Wonders was still being published), except that Arthur Petrelli is just FULL of damn inconsistencies. When is he using that ring? What does that ring even do? Why does he sometimes remove memories and sometimes remove powers (e.g. Hiro in Africa). It just hasn't been explained at all and if it isn't explained, I will be bitter. I don't like the Arthur Petrelli storyline for this reason.
As you can see, I have some life-changingly important things to think about.
Although, Grey's Anatomy has impacted my life a little bit, in that I have realized that sometimes being honest isn't just providing truthful answers when asked a question, but actively telling people how you feel and trying to generally be honest about your feelings. This is what I was thinking about last night.
Over the summer I was very disappointed by what felt to me like the end of a friendship with someone who was very important to me. I tried to get together with him for coffee quite a few times, which was something we had done in the past whenever I was in town and something that I really enjoyed. But he would never respond, and generally avoided me all summer. I reacted to this by becoming passive-agressive and bitchy, which is understandable, but I also just pretended like I didn't really care, when I did care, and I still care. He kept saying that we hadn't really gone to coffee that much, like nothing had actually changed, but it was all bullshit and it just made me feel rather unimportant. He was important to me and I had a really high opinion of him and then it all just fell apart. So I have decided that I have to talk to him about it, even if it means I get mad or am vulnerable. Even if it means that I actually let myself feel something. That is what the Grey's Anatomy characters would do.
It might be partly my fault, because I have this conception that everything in Washington stays exactly the same when I'm not there, because it seems like nothing at all ever changes. But people are living their lives every day just like me and things do change even if they are in the same place and I'm not. I have to stop thinking that I am somehow more important because I don't live in Olympia anymore, that my life is changing so much and other people's lives aren't. It is judgmental and stuck-up.
Last night I also thought about how I really need to apply for a job. And I am trying to apply for clerkships but I honestly don't know how to use the website that I am supposed to use to apply; it is stupid, stressful, and much more difficult than it needs to be. And other than those clerkships, I honestly don't even know of any other jobs that exist or how to find them. This is just a really scary, stressful time.
All this just makes me want to drink! I don't remember ever really having that hard of a time falling asleep after drinking.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
we do whatever it takes
I am going to try go to sleep now, and see what happens. I think I'm tired, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am very wary of getting my hopes up these days. I am trying to strike a balance between cynicism and naivete.
It is an hour and a half later, and I am not asleep. I was laying in my bed listening to little tiny ice chunks falling outside and I remembered that the last time it snowed, I was in the Law Review office and came out late at night and saw that it had snowed while I was in there, without my even knowing that snow was a possibility. I came home and tried to fall asleep, but couldn't. I opened my front door and went outside onto the balcony for a second to see if it was still snowing, at about 2:30. When I sat back down on my futon I heard this really, really loud meowing and I thought that it was coming from the yard, but then realized it was coming from my front door. I opened the door and the sweetest, cutest, awesomest gray kitty came inside and I fed him (I'm not actually sure he's a he) and he slept with me that night, and I let him outside in the morning and he must have found his way home. I honestly half-hoped that he would come back, that he was lost, but he never did. Which is good because I can't afford to take care of a cat and I am glad that he found his family, but I still loved him. And I thought maybe he would get lost again tonight because it is snowing, and come back, but he is not here.
A lot of my sleeplessness in the past semester has been related to post-graduation plans. The time before I had to decide whether to sign up for PMBR was a very sleepless time for me. Things have happened recently that have helped me commit to taking the bar in Washington, and I am really happy with that decision, and glad that I don't have to think about it anymore late at night. I have also realized, ironically, that I want to live in NYC after I take the bar in Washington, so I am only really committed to being there for two months to study and take the bar. I don't know if NYC will work out, but I am glad that I am able to think about going home and still having the option of leaving again if I want to. I was afraid I would get trapped there, and never end up happy.
I have spent so much of the past few months afraid of never being happy, until I remembered that happiness is a choice. I couldn't choose the circumstances that were occurring, but I could choose to be happy. I realized that when it came down to it, I didn't even know how to choose to be sad anymore. That is a very safe feeling.
It is an hour and a half later, and I am not asleep. I was laying in my bed listening to little tiny ice chunks falling outside and I remembered that the last time it snowed, I was in the Law Review office and came out late at night and saw that it had snowed while I was in there, without my even knowing that snow was a possibility. I came home and tried to fall asleep, but couldn't. I opened my front door and went outside onto the balcony for a second to see if it was still snowing, at about 2:30. When I sat back down on my futon I heard this really, really loud meowing and I thought that it was coming from the yard, but then realized it was coming from my front door. I opened the door and the sweetest, cutest, awesomest gray kitty came inside and I fed him (I'm not actually sure he's a he) and he slept with me that night, and I let him outside in the morning and he must have found his way home. I honestly half-hoped that he would come back, that he was lost, but he never did. Which is good because I can't afford to take care of a cat and I am glad that he found his family, but I still loved him. And I thought maybe he would get lost again tonight because it is snowing, and come back, but he is not here.
A lot of my sleeplessness in the past semester has been related to post-graduation plans. The time before I had to decide whether to sign up for PMBR was a very sleepless time for me. Things have happened recently that have helped me commit to taking the bar in Washington, and I am really happy with that decision, and glad that I don't have to think about it anymore late at night. I have also realized, ironically, that I want to live in NYC after I take the bar in Washington, so I am only really committed to being there for two months to study and take the bar. I don't know if NYC will work out, but I am glad that I am able to think about going home and still having the option of leaving again if I want to. I was afraid I would get trapped there, and never end up happy.
I have spent so much of the past few months afraid of never being happy, until I remembered that happiness is a choice. I couldn't choose the circumstances that were occurring, but I could choose to be happy. I realized that when it came down to it, I didn't even know how to choose to be sad anymore. That is a very safe feeling.
It's making my head spin
Sleep has once again eluded me.
First I would like to point out that this blog does not know what time it is, and posts everything as though I were on the west coast.
I was thinking tonight about a boy, which is fairly standard. But the particular boy is not standard.
Then I was thinking about if I were to tell my friend a story, this is the story I would tell him:
When I was 19, I was visiting this guy I knew from college at his parents' house over the summer, which was about an hour and 15 minutes from my parents' house.
We had stayed up too late and I had to be home at 8 AM to drive my brother to the mechanic so his car could get fixed. I was going to sleep for a few hours, but couldn't fall asleep so I decided to drive home at around 4 AM.
The thing was, though, that we had gone to his house on the ferry from Seattle, and I was going to be driving back a different way, which I had never gone. And it was a very dark, pretty scary road, but I very safely made it to Highway 101.
Highway 101 has two lanes going both directions, with a grassy median in the middle, with some places every mile or so to turn around or turn into the road coming off the Highway (of which the road going into my neighborhood is one).
About a mile before I was to turn left into my neighborhood, I was driving 63 in the left-hand lane, getting ready to slow down to turn relatively soon. At that time, they hadn't mowed the grass in the median yet, and it was really tall. Out of this grass jumped a person, who stuck out their thumb to hitchhike, but didn't plan this jump very well and their arm hit my windshield. It happened so fast that all I saw was a hitchhiker's thumb, hand, and arm in front of my windshield.
I was scared shitless. I turned around and went back to see if I could see someone, since I figured that it would probably fuck them up pretty bad to have their arm struck by a 63-mph car. I didn't see anyone. I went home and paced around for about 2 minutes thinking that I had killed someone, and then woke up my mom, who drove with me again to look for the person. We called the police, who came to my house and asked some questions, and thought that I was either hallucinating or it was a deer or some other animal. They had someone drive down the highway, they didn't see anyone either.
I honestly would have thought that I made the whole thing up in my overly-tired mind, except that when my mom and I went to look at the car, the sideview mirror was pushed in. Something definitely hit it.
When the mowed the grass a few weeks later, I was sure they would find a dead body...but they didn't. That hitchhiker just disappeared.
First I would like to point out that this blog does not know what time it is, and posts everything as though I were on the west coast.
I was thinking tonight about a boy, which is fairly standard. But the particular boy is not standard.
Then I was thinking about if I were to tell my friend a story, this is the story I would tell him:
When I was 19, I was visiting this guy I knew from college at his parents' house over the summer, which was about an hour and 15 minutes from my parents' house.
We had stayed up too late and I had to be home at 8 AM to drive my brother to the mechanic so his car could get fixed. I was going to sleep for a few hours, but couldn't fall asleep so I decided to drive home at around 4 AM.
The thing was, though, that we had gone to his house on the ferry from Seattle, and I was going to be driving back a different way, which I had never gone. And it was a very dark, pretty scary road, but I very safely made it to Highway 101.
Highway 101 has two lanes going both directions, with a grassy median in the middle, with some places every mile or so to turn around or turn into the road coming off the Highway (of which the road going into my neighborhood is one).
About a mile before I was to turn left into my neighborhood, I was driving 63 in the left-hand lane, getting ready to slow down to turn relatively soon. At that time, they hadn't mowed the grass in the median yet, and it was really tall. Out of this grass jumped a person, who stuck out their thumb to hitchhike, but didn't plan this jump very well and their arm hit my windshield. It happened so fast that all I saw was a hitchhiker's thumb, hand, and arm in front of my windshield.
I was scared shitless. I turned around and went back to see if I could see someone, since I figured that it would probably fuck them up pretty bad to have their arm struck by a 63-mph car. I didn't see anyone. I went home and paced around for about 2 minutes thinking that I had killed someone, and then woke up my mom, who drove with me again to look for the person. We called the police, who came to my house and asked some questions, and thought that I was either hallucinating or it was a deer or some other animal. They had someone drive down the highway, they didn't see anyone either.
I honestly would have thought that I made the whole thing up in my overly-tired mind, except that when my mom and I went to look at the car, the sideview mirror was pushed in. Something definitely hit it.
When the mowed the grass a few weeks later, I was sure they would find a dead body...but they didn't. That hitchhiker just disappeared.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Use Your Words
Tonight I just forgot that I was supposed to go to bed. And then it was already after 4 AM and no longer really "tonight."
I am working on studying for my Land Use final, which is actually a good thing to be thinking about instead of sleeping. If I still have enough brain power to do work, not sleeping doesn't worry me as much.
Things I want include:
1. To take up less space
2. A roommate
3. Season 4 of Grey's Anatomy on DVD
4. A clerkship in New York City
5. Sincere expression of feelings
I am working on studying for my Land Use final, which is actually a good thing to be thinking about instead of sleeping. If I still have enough brain power to do work, not sleeping doesn't worry me as much.
Things I want include:
1. To take up less space
2. A roommate
3. Season 4 of Grey's Anatomy on DVD
4. A clerkship in New York City
5. Sincere expression of feelings
Monday, December 8, 2008
I wanna listen to GREEN DAY!
I wonder if I can't sleep just because I know I have to get up early. I feel tired, I just can't fall asleep.
Things I've been thinking about tonight include:
Whether this one lyric on my friend's facebook page is in the movie Knocked Up.
I decided to watch Knocked Up, and am currently doing so. The song is in the opening credits. I then searched youtube for a while until I found the clip and then posted it to his wall.
Yep...really important stuff here.
Things I've been thinking about tonight include:
Whether this one lyric on my friend's facebook page is in the movie Knocked Up.
I decided to watch Knocked Up, and am currently doing so. The song is in the opening credits. I then searched youtube for a while until I found the clip and then posted it to his wall.
Yep...really important stuff here.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
This is the first day of my life
I've decided to write in this blog when I should be sleeping but am not.
Today I think I am procrastinating going to bed just because I feel like being awake, which does not offer a lot of material to blog about. Another night, perhaps.
Today I think I am procrastinating going to bed just because I feel like being awake, which does not offer a lot of material to blog about. Another night, perhaps.
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