we do whatever it takes

I am going to try go to sleep now, and see what happens. I think I'm tired, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I am very wary of getting my hopes up these days. I am trying to strike a balance between cynicism and naivete.

It is an hour and a half later, and I am not asleep. I was laying in my bed listening to little tiny ice chunks falling outside and I remembered that the last time it snowed, I was in the Law Review office and came out late at night and saw that it had snowed while I was in there, without my even knowing that snow was a possibility. I came home and tried to fall asleep, but couldn't. I opened my front door and went outside onto the balcony for a second to see if it was still snowing, at about 2:30. When I sat back down on my futon I heard this really, really loud meowing and I thought that it was coming from the yard, but then realized it was coming from my front door. I opened the door and the sweetest, cutest, awesomest gray kitty came inside and I fed him (I'm not actually sure he's a he) and he slept with me that night, and I let him outside in the morning and he must have found his way home. I honestly half-hoped that he would come back, that he was lost, but he never did. Which is good because I can't afford to take care of a cat and I am glad that he found his family, but I still loved him. And I thought maybe he would get lost again tonight because it is snowing, and come back, but he is not here.

A lot of my sleeplessness in the past semester has been related to post-graduation plans. The time before I had to decide whether to sign up for PMBR was a very sleepless time for me. Things have happened recently that have helped me commit to taking the bar in Washington, and I am really happy with that decision, and glad that I don't have to think about it anymore late at night. I have also realized, ironically, that I want to live in NYC after I take the bar in Washington, so I am only really committed to being there for two months to study and take the bar. I don't know if NYC will work out, but I am glad that I am able to think about going home and still having the option of leaving again if I want to. I was afraid I would get trapped there, and never end up happy.
I have spent so much of the past few months afraid of never being happy, until I remembered that happiness is a choice. I couldn't choose the circumstances that were occurring, but I could choose to be happy. I realized that when it came down to it, I didn't even know how to choose to be sad anymore. That is a very safe feeling.